First Love
I still remember how I was falling in love with Jesus for the first time and how my mind was filled by His Word every second that time. I loved to think about Him and fire love & spirit within me to get to know Him deeper & deeper. It was beautiful that He was the most wanted person I want that time, He was enough and He was my only desire.
I thought after I was born again, I wouldn't easily fall into sin, but even that first love doesn't last long, it suddenly changed when God allowed me to meet a man and the relationship doesn't go as I expect. He is not the first person I want anymore, I forget that desire to know Him deeper as I used to be. I even blame him for not allowing the relationship runs as I expect. I told Him that I really want it and didn't believe & neither want His ways. The Truth I know about His sovereignty instead becomes the reason I hate him because He didn't give me what I want, because I know He should be able to make it happen.
I couldn't let go of my idol until the person I wanted the most hurt me again and again then I realized that it was God's grace to deliver me from my idol. I began to believe that His ways are good for me, despite it's not what I want and it doesn't happen according to wish. I started to let him go, and for the first time I prayed to God that whatever His way, I want to believe that it must be the best for me. And for the first time, I allowed Him to take away this relationship if it doesn't glorify Him. That time I started to believe and see Him as my first love again, whom I ever left many times, whom I belong to.
Every time I remember how rebellious I'm toward Him, how I hurt His heart for every cruel word that came out of my mouth toward Him, I felt so bad for myself. "It's finished", The word He said at the cross become my remedy & the reason I'm able to forgive myself and come to Him again.
I thank Lord for never giving up on me. the disappointment I've been through indeed is a form of His mercy for me to repent.
"Bear in mind that our Lord’s patience means salvation.." 2 Peter 3:15
I realized that nothing lasts forever, I remember what Time Keller said about idolatry
It is anything more important to you than God, anything that absorbs your heart and imagination more than God, anything you seek to give you what only God can give…
An idol is whatever you look at and say, in your heart of hearts, “If I have that, then I’ll feel my life has meaning, then I ‘ll know I have value, then I’ll feel significant and secure.” There are many ways to describe that kind of relationship to something, but perhaps the best one is worship.”
Lord, oftentimes I can't control my mind & my heart. My heart that tends to rebel against Your will, and my desires against Yours. However what You have done at the cross 2000 years ago cure my guilts and enable me to forgive myself & others. Every time I read my Bible and read the story of how rebellious Israel, reflect how it also happens to me that hurt Him again & again, yet Your everlasting love never fails me, Lord.
