Theresia Melinda
August 22, 2023
B E L I E V E
While I'm writing this post, honestly I still can't figure out how my life in the next year, 2 next year, or am I still the same?
To be honest, knowing Him better doesn't make my thought get easier & holier. I'm still struggling to embrace my anxiety about my future and sometimes doesn't make me trust Him easily. I'm so sorry, Lord.
Since one by one of my close friends got married, I can't deny that the anxiety is just getting real. I'm afraid that my expectations don't go as I expect. I'm afraid I would be left behind or as I grow older and get weaker & weaker to get pregnant or afraid that I will have my finances unstable if I decided to have children in old age.
I know my story is not an unpopular story, even if it is repeated again and again in the Bible. The story of Sarah & Abraham when they had Isaac in very old age even the point of the Bible itself Jesus Christ was fulfilled in His time. God also declared in the Bible :
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,neither are your ways my ways,”declares the Lord.“As the heavens are higher than the earth,so are my ways higher than your waysand my thoughts than your thoughts.(Isaiah 55:8-9)
Sometimes the more I know that my life is no longer mine but His, but however, sometimes I just get stuck and don't know what plans I should make. Now I just work and try to accomplish every task in front of me, whether it's work or church, without ever knowing what this life will take me. With whom I'd get married and where I would live.. I just ask Him that wherever He puts me, what circumstances I will be facing, I beg Him to have His mind, to guard my heart, to give me peace, so I will have a servant's heart. I know every time I follow Him it's just extremely difficult to overcome my ego & my pride. There are many times that make me so desperate to control everything and learn how to LET IT GO.
