Faith Journey

These past months are tough and I'm emotionally shaken. In this moment I'm writing this post, my father is currently (still) in ICU since 16th April without any treatment for his cancer. My mother, sister, and I take turn to look after him at ICU and the problem is Ines isn't in good condition, moreover we have taken our office leave too long and time to go back to the office meanwhile my father still needs 24 hours intensively care. 

I'm grateful that through this experience God reconcile my family, especially my relation with my father that isn't good. And in his tough times, God still allows me to be dutiful to him as a daughter. God allows me to share the Word with him every visit hour. The reconciliation may take in an uncomfortable timing yet I want to believe that in God's timing is perfect even though I know where our battle will end. 

No words can explain and am too tired to express all of my feelings. This post is dedicated to my father. I hope one day he will turn into a healthy man, and has a heart to pursue God. Please convince me, Lord, that he is safe in Your hand.  

I never imagine that I would be in this road, these past months have been the exercise of heart, seeing my father in his lowest condition, witnessing him weak & in pain every second with his illness. On the other hand it is hurtful to see him in that condition, however on the other hand I feel like it's blessing in disguise because in his pain, he has desire to know God & I hope in his darkest condition he can find God. It's been a week my family and I stayed at the hospital because my dad got hospitalized and next Thursday I think that he will get hospitalized (again). 

But one thing I'm grateful for is he asks us to have prayed together, this is the first time we pray together as family since 29 years I live with him. I only hope that God give him strength, and I just want  him to feel God's love and trust his life to God. 

Akhir-akhir ini aku lagi suka mendengarkan lagu sekuler dari Nano Band dengan lirik sebagai berikut : 

suara lembut menyapa aku
lembutnya selembut hatimu
tulusnya setulus cinta padaku
ku sadar beruntungnya aku

hidupku tanpamu
takkan pernah terisi sepenuhnya
karena kau separuhku

berbagi suka duka
saling mengisi dan menyempurnakan

karena kau separuhku 

Memang ini salah satu lagu sekuler yang banyak dipakai backsound di Tiktok, Instagram untuk didedikasikan buat pasangan, keluarga & anak. Tapi menurut ku lagu sekuler ini juga mempunya hikmat tersembunyi dan salah satu kutipan St. Agustinus cukup membuat aku merenung dan merasa bahwa sebenernya lagu itu bisa menjadi jawaban juga kenapa hati kita nggak pernah bisa puas ?  

“Engkau telah menjadikan kami bagi-Mu, dan jiwa kami belum berdiam sebelum ia beristirahat dalam Engkau” 

Beberapa hal ini mungkin aku sudah terlalu menggantikan Tuhan dengan berbagai hal pasangan, kenyamanan hidup, validasi, tapi kalau dipikir-pikir kenapa selalu nggak pernah bisa benar-benar membuat secure ? mungkin beberapa part lagu dari Nano Band bener juga 😂 bahwa lubang hati kita didesain Tuhan hanya untuk Dia, apapun yang kita dapati nggak akan pernah membuat kita secure kalau bukan Tuhan yang mengisi lubang hati itu.