Faith Journey

Counting the days until it's Christmas, fellas, and it means the end of 2023!

This year is amazing. Throwing back to the beginning of 2022 (the gloomy chapter of my love story) until today as I write this is the end of 2023 was not easy for me. How now I begin to control my emotions & trust Him is something I struggle to face. But truly the journey to gain my trust in Him is something memorable to remember. And what I learn from 2023 are : 

1. THERE IS NO OTHER GODS BEFORE HIM

I used to think that worshiping other gods before Him was when you worship statues or other creations you bow down before it. But nope, I have sinned and replaced Him by loving a man too much more than Him. After many conflicts I faced with him, I used to think that my half was gone (I'm not exaggerating when I said that). I even blamed His sovereignty which didn't allow something to happen as I expected. How awful was that? I feel that I lost my joy when he was gone, and at that point, I realized that I was double-minded. His sacrifice on the cross humbled me again & again to repent. And now I'm able to pray to God that if it doesn't glorify Him, He can take him away. 

2. FIX OUR EYES ON JESUS

How many tragedies have happened? countless. Covid, war, death, everything can disappear within a minute, so what makes us think that we are strong enough to control the universe? I learn that nothing is truly ours in this world and life is basically not the art of gaining but the art of letting go until someday we will let our life go. So will it vanish? If we don't fix our eyes on Him, the world will break us easily. Every day we read the news on the internet about how people die, people commit crimes every minute, it is crazy. We don't find any true peace outside Him, we don't even have any power to defeat evil. 

Blessed are those who trust in the LORD, who put their hope in the LORD! He will be like a tree planted by the water, which spreads its roots to the edge of the water, and which does not experience the coming of scorching heat, whose leaves remain green, which does not worry in dry years, and which does not stop bearing fruit. Jeremiah 17:7-8 ESV

3. SPREAD THE GOOD NEWS IS OUR MAIN JOB 

 Oh well, we may have a job on this earth. But what is our mission in this world? to earn money? to travel around the world? married and have children? and then die? This year God has brought me so far, for the first time in my life I joined Preaching the Gospel in MRII Harapan Indah. I never expected that a stranger could believe the Gospel I preach and yet God let me see the fruit of our works, we are so excited to have Dimas be a part of the children of God, the citizen of heaven with Him! And the story is something I never expected at all. The first time we reached him, I was the one who asked my friend to ask another stranger since he didn't welcome us warmly. Yet one of my friends still gave him a shot to tell about Jesus, and at the end of it, he decided to believe & accept Jesus wow it was wonderful and for the first time I saw how a non-Christian decided to accept and pray! Here is the snapshot, hopefully, God keeps his faith growing each day since he is still a baby Christian & whoever reads this story please pray for Dimas!

I still remember how I was falling in love with Jesus for the first time and how my mind was filled by His Word every second that time. I loved to think about Him and fire love & spirit within me to get to know Him deeper & deeper. It was beautiful that He was the most wanted person I want that time, He was enough and He was my only desire. 

I thought after I was born again, I wouldn't easily fall into sin, but even that first love doesn't last long, it suddenly changed when God allowed me to meet a man and the relationship doesn't go as I expect. He is not the first person I want anymore, I forget that desire to know Him deeper as I used to be. I even blame him for not allowing the relationship runs as I expect. I told Him that I really want it and didn't believe & neither want His ways. The Truth I know about His sovereignty instead becomes the reason I hate him because He didn't give me what I want, because I know He should be able to make it happen. 

I couldn't let go of my idol until the person I wanted the most hurt me again and again then I realized that it was God's grace to deliver me from my idol. I began to believe that His ways are good for me, despite it's not what I want and it doesn't happen according to wish. I started to let him go, and for the first time I prayed to God that whatever His way, I want to believe that it must be the best for me. And for the first time, I allowed Him to take away this relationship if it doesn't glorify Him. That time I started to believe and see Him as my first love again, whom I ever left many times, whom I belong to.

Every time I remember how rebellious I'm toward Him, how I hurt His heart for every cruel word that came out of my mouth toward Him, I felt so bad for myself. "It's finished", The word He said at the cross become my remedy & the reason I'm able to forgive myself and come to Him again. 

I thank Lord for never giving up on me. the disappointment I've been through indeed is a form of His mercy for me to repent. 

"Bear in mind that our Lord’s patience means salvation.." 2 Peter 3:15

I realized that nothing lasts forever, I remember what Time Keller said about idolatry

It is anything more important to you than God, anything that absorbs your heart and imagination more than God, anything you seek to give you what only God can give…

An idol is whatever you look at and say, in your heart of hearts, “If I have that, then I’ll feel my life has meaning, then I ‘ll know I have value, then I’ll feel significant and secure.” There are many ways to describe that kind of relationship to something, but perhaps the best one is worship.”

 Lord, oftentimes I can't control my mind & my heart. My heart that tends to rebel against Your will, and my desires against Yours. However what You have done at the cross 2000 years ago cure my guilts and enable me to forgive myself & others. Every time I read my Bible and read the story of how rebellious Israel, reflect how it also happens to me that hurt Him again & again, yet Your everlasting love never fails me, Lord. 

As someone who tends to be in a comfort zone, for me to step out of my previous Church, in which I grow for more than 25 years is not easy. I still remember after seeking many pastors to find out the answers to all of my confusion until I decided to move out, I don't have any idea where the local Church was that I should submit myself. I  went from denomination to denomination online, and still have no idea which was "true" and I mediate upon it believing that God will lead me even though I can't see how He would do that. 

And then I followed a Christian influencer on Instagram, somehow she posted a post promoting a webinar that discussed Reformed & Charismatic denominations. And I join that webinar online from that moment I followed Pastor Michael Chrisdion as the lead pastor of Gibeon Church Surabaya and started to join its Sunday Service online and well God used the pastors in Gibeon Church to sharpen my faith until then it convinced me to submit myself to the Reformed Evangelical Church of Indonesia (GRII) as my local Chruch since it has the same doctrine with Gibeon Church. 

I can't believe since my confusion 3 years ago now I have passed the catechization in MRII which allowed me to take part to serve in MRII. I join the youth, the podcast group, and I do really enjoy to be part of them.. 

I never imagine being able in this stage, even to comprehend His Word this deeper than before. It's only by His Grace.. to step out alone apart from my family.. So 2023 for me is amazing.. I thank Jesus for He never leaves me, I do really feel His presence in every step I take, even though sometimes I feel that I don't know where it goes, but as long as He leads me, so here I'm, Lord. 😊😊

Here are glimmer of photos since I join that Church 😋

Hello semua, disini aku mau membagikan renungan yang akhir-akhir ini terjadi dalam hidup aku terkait dengan ketetapan Tuhan yang tampak "keluar" dari jalur namun nyatanya tidak. 

Well guys, sudah beberapa tahun terakhir ini akhirnya aku single since aku selalu ada yang back up dll nya dan sekarang harus lebih mandiri x). Jujur kalau aku renungin dalam hidup aku sama sekali nggak terbesit ada di titik ini bahkan berfikir bahwa di umur yang mau menginjak 28 tahun ini harus melajang disaat yang lain sudah menentukan ke stage hidup yang lebih serius dan sudah fokus dengan anak-anak mereka. 

Perjalanan iman ini nggak hanya membuka hal baru dalam pengetahuan tentang Tuhan, tetapi juga membuka berhala terdalam dari hidup aku. 

Kalau  kalian tertarik dengan perjalanan aku ke Kristen bisa klik disini. Okay sekarang aku sudah mulai aktif untuk submit diri aku dalam gereja lokal MRII dan proses untuk Sidi. Sampai ada WA temen ku yang cukup menggetarkan ku 

Yesaya 55:8-9 TB Sebab rancangan-Ku bukanlah rancanganmu, dan jalanmu bukanlah jalan-Ku, demikianlah firman TUHAN. Seperti tingginya langit dari bumi, demikianlah tingginya jalan-Ku dari jalanmu dan rancangan-Ku dari rancanganmu.

Bahkan Tuhan menaruh aku di dalam persekutuan yang bener-bener asing dan sama sekali nggak pernah terbesit dalam pemikiran ku. Untuk sampai di Gereja ini pun juga perlu menetapkan hati dari tahun 2021 aku bingung mau ke Gereja mana. Sempet masuk MRII namun maju mundur, sempet balik lagi online namun Tuhan yang menghantarkan hati yang bebal ini untuk lama-lama ada kenyamanan 😂 bahkan aku yang jarang aktif di pemuda OMK dulu sekarang jadi lumayan aktif di MRII dan bisa mewadahi pemahaman aku lebih tentang Tuhan. 

Aku percaya ini hanya semata-mata Anugrah Tuhan. Karena setiap ngeliat diri aku, aku termasuk yang bebal dan bahkan di titik udah tau tentang Tuhan berkali-kali masih jatuh, sering menyalahkan Tuhan ketika aku kecewa sama situasi, masih sering mundur untuk nggak berdoa. Tapi somehow, setiap ngeliat perjalanan ini Tuhan selalu ngingetin gimana Dia nggak pernah menyerah dan justru paling dikasihi karena terlalu bebal 😂

Yha itu awal perjalan masuk ke Gereja yang baru. Soli Deo Gloria

Hallo semua ini adalah post kedua aku di tahun 2023! 😃

Well, aku mau cerita sedikit dengan kehidupan pribadi aku. Jujur tahun 2020 adalah tahun titik balik aku untuk mengenal Tuhan, aku meninggalkan imanku sebelumnya dan menggagalkan pernikahanku dikarenakan aku berbalik ke iman aku yang baru saat ini. Aku pikir iman aku cukup kuat ke Tuhan, aku udah cukup content untuk dekat sama Tuhan namun ternyata 2020 juga titik aku tau berhalaku apa.. Di tahun 2020 aku dekat sama seseorang yang memang udah aku nyaman sebelumnya untuk ngobrol, tapi ternyata kesempatan tersebut malah membuat pribadi aku jauh sama Tuhan.. 

Kedekatan ku dengan dia cukup merubah pribadi aku, aku senang kalau kita kontak dan aku sangat resah setiap kita nggak kontak dan dia orang yang sangat cukup sibuk sehingga minim untuk komunikasi. Pada akhir 2020 dan 2021 kami cukup dekat dan tidak berhenti untuk kontak, namun 2022 dan hingga saat aku menulis post ini hubunganku cukup merenggang. Aku selalu bertanya sama dia bagaimana kedekatan ini apakah ada kelanjutan? sedangkan hal tersebut cukup mengganggu dia dan setiap kali aku menanyakan dengan nada menekan kami pasti langsung renggang entah beberapa minggu atau hitungan bulan.. Itu sangat mengganggu pikiranku ditambah lagi mungkin karena dia orang yang sangat aku harapkan jadinya membuat aku sulit melepaskan hingga pada akhirnya di awal 2023 aku berdoa kiranya Tuhan memberikan petunjuk untuk maju atau mundur untuk sebuh pernyataan yang mungkin sulit aku dapatkan dari dia karena dia nggak akan bisa memberikan penjelasan untuk hubungan ini, hubungan kitapun juga sudah renggang dan aku selalu terpikir firman Tuhan apa aku harus tetap text dia sebagai bentuk peduli namun setelah aku telisik dalam hatiku aku juga butuh feedback yang ada lingkaran seperti ini akan terus berputar. Dan tepat sehari setelah aku berdoa seperti itu entah kenapa esokkan harinya temanku mengajak aku untuk makan bareng dan aku juga mengundang guruku juga untuk makan bareng, tiba-tiba guruku cerita bahwa kemarin dia ketemu X untuk mengobrol sesuatu dan X jujur ke guruku tentang kedekatannya dengan ku ternyata selama ini dia sulit untuk maju karena menurutnya aku sama dia belum sama dalam hal visi & misi dan diapun belum menemukan itu. Seketika aku tau bahwa Tuhan menjawab doa ku lewat pernyataan dia walaupun harus lewat guruku. Itu yang mengurungkan niatku untuk tetap approach dia karena aku tau mungkin dia memang mau menjauh namun tidak cukup tega untuk bilang itu sama aku. 

Jujur untuk melepaskan sesuatu yang mungkin kita nggak harapkan mudah, kita mengarahkan hati ketika segala ekspektasi kita terpenuhi Tuhan itu mudah. Namun bagaimana jika ekspektasi terdalam kita & kehendak kita tidak sesuai dengan jalan & kehendak Tuhan ? 

Aku kecewa yang amat dalam sama keadaan, aku menyalahkan diriku selalu andai aku begini ? andai aku begitu ? mungkin hubungan ini akan work kalau sifat & karakter aku begini ? sampai pada akhirnya WA dari temanku cukup menyentil aku bahwa sejatinya pernikahan yang baik nggak akan berjalan seperti itu. Pasangan yang bisa untuk dibawa ke pernikahan adalah ketika dia mampu menerima kita apa adanya diri kita & mau membimbing kita sebagaimana Kristus yang nggak akan meninggalkan Gereja-Nya namun menebus Gereja-Nya ketika Gereja-Nya masih di dalam dosa. 

Aku insecure mungkin ketika teman-teman sebaya ku sudah mulai menikah dan menemukan pasangan hidup namun aku masih terjebak dalam hubungan yang seperti ini. Aku melupakan Tuhan dalam setiap perencanaan ku, aku nggak pernah memikirkan bahwa Tuhan tau yang terbaik buat setiap anakNya dan ketika ini terjadi aku tau ini sudah atas ijinNya. 

Tahun tersuram buat aku adalah ketika aku benar-benar nggak percaya akan keberadanNya, aku yang dulu on fire untuk selalu mengenal Dia lebih dalam namun aku jatuh ketika aku lebih menginginkan berkat & ciptaanNya. Sampai pada akhirNya Tuhan sendiri yang menunjukan bahwa aku harus berhenti untuk terus bersikap posesif & mengontrol sesuatu yang sudah bukan ranahku. Doaku meminta pernyataan dikabulkan sehari setelah aku berdoa seperti itu.

Dan aku tau tembok antara aku dan Tuhan adalah hati aku sendiri yang penuh banyak berhala dari keraguan untuk menikah, iri hati sama keadaan sekitar dan ini cara Tuhan membuat aku sendiri untuk punya waktu bergumul sama Dia membersihkan hatiku. 

Dan ini beberapa ayat peneguhanku setiap kali aku kecewa akan keadaaan : 

Roma 8:28 Kita tahu sekarang, bahwa Allah turut bekerja dalam segala sesuatu untuk mendatangkan kebaikan bagi mereka yang mengasihi Dia, yaitu bagi mereka yang terpanggil sesuai dengan rencana Allah. 

First of all I would like to say Merry Christmas 2022 to those who celebrate it. Well, I thank God for His faithfulness throughout this year even though I realize that I have been so stubborn HAHAHA. I think this year I have been learning a lot, this year is not the best year I felt; I may not get what I wish this year, yet 2022 was indeed a good year for me to learn and lean on Him.