CHRISTIANITY

23 years living as Christian girl is a blessing for me but become a burden at once.

I'm proud telling people that I'm a christian. There is always a prideful inside my heart that I've known Him for whole of my years here (as I come from a Catholic family).

But what does Christianity really mean? Is knowing Bible enough to convert you into a truly christian?

As how I reflect whole of my years, I could say that I'm still a baby christian, no, even sometimes I ask myself whether I'm a christian? that's so pathetic. Deep inside I often feel ashamed that whole of my life, I'm not really reflecting Jesus.

Some of my friends often consider me as a religious person, as I frequently share about God or other religious quotes on my status and my blog. But no. I think I'm the one who still needs to learn and learn the most how to be a truly christian.

When I was 18, having a kind and religious soulmate is enough. But as I 'm grown-up, my standard to have a husband gets higher and higher. Religious & kind is not the priority anymore. I intend to look for the more established man, the man with a good position in a company, the man with a charming look and prodigious mind.

God gave me a kind, neat, patient and submissive boy friend. He is totally the opposite of me, who is ambitious, rough, and impatient. I'm totally dominant over him; I'm the one who controls him the most in our relationship. At first I think it's good to have partner like him, because he completes me. But at times, it's also a burden for me. There is always a time that as a woman, I need to be controlled sometimes. I need a firm man who can execute everything without me, a man that can be relied on, and a man who can be more ambitious than me. 

The more I'm grown-up, reality of life becomes clearer and clearer. Money is the one matter in household. I expected a lot from a man who will become my future husband to be able to support my future life, and financial matters in the future. I always think that it's a man's duty no matter what, he should be more and more as the head of my future family.

Sometimes I ask God, why He grants me a boyfriend like him. God knows I'm a type of dominant person. If He gave me a submissive boyfriend, God will know that I have a big tendency to be a  very hot-headed & dominant girl over him. Why doesn't God grant me a man who is same as me, so as I don't have a chance to humiliate my boyfriend? (As you know when I was 18, I asked God to give me a religious boyfriend, and I promised Him, if He gave me one like that I would accept him. I met my boyfriend for the first time in church, that's why I didn't choose him first, but God did.)  

There are the times when my heart cheated on him. I ever fall in love with another man in my organization campus (it's catholic organization campus). I told my boyfriend to break up with me, bcs I cannot continue my relationship where my heart and my mind is on another man. But he still keep faithful with me and waiting for me to come back to him. And I realize that here is right phase that God doesn't give what you want, He gives what you need. Do you think a bad girl like me deserve a faithful man? I think no, but Jesus still continues to pour out His love through him😭😭. 

As I see my relationship, I admit that I'm not a good girl-friend, or maybe for this long time I've become an antagonist😐. But I thank to my boyfriend that he became the channel of God to continuously & patiently teach me in 5 years to be humble (still in process of learning, hm I think it needs a whole years of my life?)

My relationship with him now goes 5 years, I would like to share something that I've been still learning over and over in these 5 years :

1. Never put your hope in a man or even in your husband

For the girls, expecting to have an established husband is not strange. I used to demand my boyfriend to be an established man if he wanted to marry me. My boyfriend is actually a hard-worker yet an easy-person who tend to accept everything in life. He is not an ambitious and even cannot think out-of-the-box. He just do anything he can and he tends to be in a comfort zone and not brave enough to take a risk. As a woman, I expect him as the provider for me, a future husband who can support everything for me. 

The one reason that I learn why God doesn't give me an ambitious, or established man at the first because God know that I tend to rely my life on human. I'm an anxious person, I always think that my future husband is the only one who responsible to take care and support of me in the future. 

Through him, God teach me that I mustn't put hope in any man even if he's my husband.  I'm forced to learn putting my trust in God; for my future and my financial matters. My future husband is not the provider, he is the equal-friend, best-friend to accompany with in a life.  

My real provider comes from God. 

 2. Honor your partner not bcs he deserves it, but bcs you have to

This I need several years to understand and start to honor my partner. As I'm a dominant woman, I usually honor my partner after he did something pleasingly me or fulfill something I expect of. I used to get easily upset when my partner fail doing something I expect him to do. But now I learn to refrain every time he cannot fulfill my expectation. I honor him as God asked me to do. I should learn to honor my bf, not because of what he has given me, but because God gives me him as the head of me. God know exactly that it's difficult for me to appreciate the little thing. As I met my bf, it needs a lot of time to learn how to appreciate  a little thing and honor him with a whole my heart.

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Wherever we are, wherever God places us, I know there are some reasons behind it. I always see something bigger, I cannot appreciate the small thing. But God gives a partner who tend to always do "small thing" in order I can honor person not because what they have obtained, I honor him because God asks me to.

Like what Mary Neal said to her book:

"We are each given the opportunity and privilege to come to earth for different reasons. Sometimes we come in order that we may personally develop and strengthen the fruits of our spirit: those of love, kindness, patience, joy, peace, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
Sometimes we come to help someone else develop the fruits of the spirit. We all come to earth to become more Christ-like" - Mary Neal

You know, I feel a little bit a shamed of sharing this in this post; of how I treat my boyfriend, what kind of girl I'm. But I think I should  post so that people will realize that God does still faithful to a wicked-person like me. He never gives up on me, and provides my need, even pouring me His love. I do believe that my encountering with my bf is not a coincidence. And I believe God has a reason giving me a partner like him ------- to mold me, to shape me. He knows my weakness; an anxiety, He knows my negative characters, and He tries to kill them in me, so I can become more like Him.